SO MUCH has happened. Let’s just start with that.
Writing has felt like such a daunting task; there was just too much to say. I have always lived my life in absolutes — good or bad, love or hate, all or nothing. I didn’t feel like I could say it all, so I just didn’t say anything.
So, I’m letting go of the idea that my life has to be some linear narrative and, instead of being paralyzed by overwhelm, I’m going to work on doing things that matter to me in more bite-sized chunks. I’m working on flexibility and grace.
Here’s our big life headlines lately — and the first post of many more to come.
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Brett finally returned from The Deployment From Hell in June of 2020 after 7 long months at sea on an aircraft carrier. These months were made even worse by Covid, meaning the ship was not permitted to make any port visits. They were basically trapped on a floating metal island in the middle of the ocean for a maddening length of time to avoid widespread illness and to keep the ship’s crew healthy.
Meanwhile in Virginia, I lost 3 jobs in a week, Lysol wiped every grocery delivery, and stayed away from people for waaaaay too long. This is about when I broke my “no wine in the house during deployment” rule and ran like 100 miles per month (see previous post). Oh, and I learned to play the ukulele because what else does one do to keep from entirely losing her mind in the midst of a global pandemic? I also had to get back on antidepressants. These were difficult months.
When Brett’s ship finally returned to port, I was deliriously happy. We spent a blissful summer social distancing on deserted beaches, drinking on our front porch, and just generally enjoying his post-deployment leave (and my lack of employment). I landed a new job as a health coach at the end of July and my world finally seemed like it was piecing itself back together again.
Then, suddenly we got pregnant. Oops.
On a whim, I took a pregnancy test one Sunday morning while Brett was gone for overnight duty. After having been on hormonal birth control for 15 years, I didn’t ACTUALLY think I’d be pregnant, but sure enough, there were two very distinct lines on that stick. We were due April 5, 2021.
Right away, I knew I was growing a strong little poppyseed. We told close family and friends within the first month because *we felt like it* and decided the “rules” about when you should and should not tell people you’re pregnant were stupid and antiquated. Obviously our parents were the most excited of all. My dad was speechless, in fact, which I can’t say I’ve ever known him to be otherwise. He called every day after that for two weeks to ask how big the baby was that week, how I was feeling, what names we liked, etc.
Then he stopped calling.
I was shopping for maternity work clothes on a Friday afternoon at the end of August when my brother called to tell me that Dad had unexpectedly passed away from what they thought was probably a heart attack. I dropped everything I was holding and bolted out of the store in tears, unable to catch my breath. He said that a friend had found him and my mom, who is disabled and dependent on my dad for basic care and needs, at the house earlier that morning. Thankfully my mom was okay but needed to be hospitalized for about a week to recover from the trauma. There are a lot of other details about what happened that I honestly can’t write about and wish I could forget.
Brett and I got on a flight back to Michigan the next morning. I suddenly found myself responsible for things I never ever wanted to have to face — what to do with my dad’s estate, how to care for my mom, understanding their finances and insurance, learning to be a power of attorney and medical advocate, organizing a visitation, funeral, and burial, etc. etc. etc. It was (and continues to be) way too much.
I was worried about my pregnancy, certain that the insurmountable stress and grief would surely harm my unborn baby or that I’d get Covid in an airport somewhere with all the traveling. I was heartbroken for my mom who lost her life partner, her dog (who had to be adopted by a friend down the street), and basically all sense of normalcy in the blink of an eye. We were surrounded by the support of family and friends who kept us from drowning in the overwhelming trauma of this tremendous loss.
At the beginning of September, I returned to work and attempted to get on with my life. My pregnancy was dreamy, as far as those things go. I had no issues or complications; everything progressed normally, and in November we learned that we would be having a baby girl. Just like my mother before me I always knew I’d have a daughter, and we celebrated while also mourning the fact that my dad would never know his grandchild was a girl.
Every milestone along the way has been beautiful and also a new way to grieve. A good lesson that hard things and sweet things can coexist, I suppose.
In March, Brett started school to become an intelligence specialist in the Navy and I decided to leave my job, knowing I wouldn’t be ready to return to work after just 6 weeks of maternity leave and with so much uncertainty surrounding our upcoming orders. I also wanted to be able to devote more time to focus on my mom’s care. Coordinating and advocating for her needs turned out to be a part time job in itself.
At 4:35 AM on April 2, we welcomed June Estelle into the world. She is everything we knew she would be — strong and willful, beautiful and smart, brave and funny. Our birth experience was painful and exhilarating and I fully recovered with relative ease. I’ve spent the last 5+ months focused on learning how to be June’s mom and understanding this new life we have together. Man, it’s truly a wild experience, being the parent of a tiny human. I’ve never known a deeper or more purposeful sense of satisfaction.
June and I watched Brett graduate from IS school and we’re moving forward into this next chapter of our lives with orders for another 3 years here in Norfolk. We have grown closer to our beloved military family here as well as our family back in Michigan. The trauma of losing my dad and the joy of having June gave us the opportunity to focus deeply on the relationships we value most and to lean on our loved ones.
As Brett ventures into a new career in the Navy, I’ll be focusing on teaching yoga, spending time with my daughter, and working on my book for the foreseeable future.
This year we have been tested. We have grieved and struggled. We have been blessed beyond measure. So much has changed and, god, have we grown.