The thoughts currently running through my head:
I should be doing so many other things right now... running or trying to finish my book or practicing yoga or going to fitness classes. I should be looking for a full-time job and contributing more to our household income! I should be busy and moving and cleaning and grocery shopping and budgeting and tidying and… suffering.
For five years, I worked WAY more than full time.
Each morning, I left for work long before the sun came up and dragged myself home long after it had gone down. Lots of us do this (and some of you with kids… how in the actual hell…), so I’m under no illusion that I’m somehow special or should receive pats on the back for it. Before that, I was wading through 16-20 credit hour semesters in addition to working 20+ hours per week and playing sports in college (and I was in college for an unfortunately long period of time). I was efficient and career-oriented and responsible. I’ve been moving at this pace for nearly my entire life.
Honestly, the amount of time I spent at work killed me. I did not thrive in a 50-60 hour per week career, but I handled the responsibilities. I prioritized and organized and I. got. shit. done. My job was something I was very good at and I was proud of my work, but I was almost never happy.
About four years ago, months before our wedding, Brett broke down and told me, “This is not what I pictured our lives would be like! This is not what I want for us! I never see you.” I had just returned home after being at work for over 12 hours and still had a mountain of papers to grade before going to bed. I realized that, on days like this, literally all of my waking hours were devoted to work. When he said that, something shifted in me. Something clicked, even though it took me a while to actually do anything about it.
Why do we sacrifice the things we love the most in the world, like time and relationships with our family members, to do jobs that we don’t really love?
For me, it was because I thought working and adulthood and suffering were all synonymous with one another. I thought we were all out there just grinding through careers we didn’t love. It seemed like something everyone had to do. I’m not even sure I was entirely aware of how unhappy I really was for all those years. Maybe I didn’t consider the possibility that things could be any different, or that I could be so much more fulfilled if I strayed from the career path that I had already chosen.
I can still be efficient and career-oriented and responsible without suffering through 12 hour work days.
It is possible for me to be good at my job and proud of my work — wait for it — while also being happy. I know… shocker. My work-life balance has done a complete 180 in the last 6 months and I’m now working very part-time while my husband gets to focus on his career in the military. I went from sacrificing almost everything I had for my all-consuming career to re-aligning my energy toward my marriage, my husband’s goals, and my own health.
We did so much focusing on my career for so long, but I still struggle to let go of the guilt I feel when I’m not moving constantly and at break-neck speeds. On the days I’m not teaching many classes, I feel like I HAVE to be busy and 100% productive to make up for it. Strangely, I find self-care even more difficult on these days as I become paralyzed by the need to feel like my days are still meaningful. I’d like to get to a place where I can consider restful days, quiet mornings writing, and a little extra sleep to be something that I am deserving of. I am worth it. I don’t have to suffer.
Right now, I know we are where we’re supposed to be.
I’m doing the right things now for my family and am going to keep working on letting the guilt go, because the only one responsible for these feelings is me. I’m not saying that you should give up the more-than-full-time working life if that’s what you love. I am saying, though, that too many of us lose sight of what is truly right for our lives because we think we have to do things a certain way.
Sidenote: Yes, I am very aware of the fact that my privilege is not only showing, it’s GLARING, here. We work to survive, after all, and my husband and I are no different. We have made sacrifices (having two vehicles, for example) and re-aligned our financial values in order to live our lives a little differently. This has created space for a LOT more happiness. I think all of us can find ways to do so according to our unique circumstances (part of ours being that, thanks to active-duty military life, I’ll probably struggle to hold down meaningful, full-time work from here on out).
This former-full-time-educator-turned-very-part-time-yoga-instructor wants to know what ways you find a healthy balance. If you have a career you absolutely love, how did you get there? What sacrifices did you have to make?
Marci Westman says
Love this so much!!!!